


Man-Eaters, Exorcists and Other Unicorns

by misura



Category: Constantine (2005)
Genre: M/M, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-12
Updated: 2011-12-12
Packaged: 2017-10-27 22:55:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/300946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chas and John walk into a bar. Nothing happens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Man-Eaters, Exorcists and Other Unicorns

**Author's Note:**

  * For [withoutmaps](https://archiveofourown.org/users/withoutmaps/gifts).



"So hey, John. Can I call you 'John'?"

"No, Chas, you can't call me John. Obviously."

"Obviously. Right. Sorry, Mr. Constantine."

"No worries, Mr. Kramer."

 

Chas has never been able to see things that are there, the way John does. It's a bit of a downer - tricky to exorcize demons when you can't even see the fuckers most of the time, but Chas makes do.

That's his talent, really: making do.

Most people, you know - most people, they see a mountain and they see an _obstacle_. They want to get somewhere, see, and there's this big fucking mountain, suddenly getting in the way, and they just give up, because they figure, well, big fucking mountain in one corner, puny human in the other. What're you going to do?

(Usually, at this point in the story, John points out that if it's a big fucking mountain, it's really fucking unlikely it's going to suddenly pop up or anything. Like, it's a mountain - what's it going to do: walk?)

(That's John for you, really: always ready to show what an asshole he is. It's a _metaphor_.)

Chas, now, Chas looks at the mountain standing in his way, and he _thinks_. So what if there's a mountain right in front of him? He's got feet, and hands. He can _climb_ that mountain, get a nice view of what's ahead.

He _makes do_ , see.

 

"That was a joke, wasn't it, John?"

"Yes, Chas. That was a joke."

"Man, you really need to work on your sense of humor."

 

When he first hooks up with John, John's pretty stand-offish. Sort of shy, really, if you want to know the truth, even if John is kind of sensitive about that word - like, _really_ sensitive.

They don't talk much, which Chas thinks is sort of a pity. He can learn stuff by watching, sure; the goold old monkey-see, monkey-do school of teaching, but he'd been kind of hoping for a little bit more.

He mentions this to John, who tells him that if Chas wants pearls of wisdom, he sould go buy a fortune cookie or something.

Chas isn't sure if that's, like, an actual order or just John yanking his chain, but they're in Chinatown, sort of, and so he figures, you know, why not?

 _Perseverance is the key to achieving your heart's desire._

Kind of a cliche, Chas feels, but still sort of cool, the way John kind of picked up on Chas being a bit down and figuring to cheer him up by letting him know things were going to get better, all discrete-like, by making him buy a fortune cookie.

The old Chinese guy was probably in on it, but still. Not like anyone _made_ Chas pick out that one cookie or anything; there were at least twenty of 'em in the basket, and no way did they all have the same text inside of them.

 

"You ever think about gay sex?"

"No, thanks."

"I mean, you're a guy, and I'm a guy, and I don't exactly see a lot of ladies looking our way, get my drift? And I'm still young, you know?"

"Get a boyfriend."

"I don't want a boyfriend. That's my point, John, see? You think Batman told Robin to get a boyfriend?"

"You're not Robin, Chas."

"Hey, man. You Batman, me Robin."

"Blonde girl, two seats to the left, looking your way."

"Oh. _Oh._ Hey. She's kind of cute. You jealous, John?"

"Nope."

"It's all right to be jealous, John. You can tell me. Hey, if I were you and you were me, _I_ 'd be jealous of me. Should I go over and talk to her, you think?"

"Nope."

"You're totally jealous. Not cool, John. You know what? I'm going to go over and talk to her."

"All right."

"I'm serious, John."

"Another cup of coffee, please? Thanks."

"Is she a demon? Is that why you're all, you know, dead set against me talking to her? What, you thought I was going to freak out or something? I can handle the truth, John. Seriously. Hit me. Is she a demon?"

"Definitely a man-eater."

"Shit. I mean, that's just my luck, you know?"

"Black, yeah. No sugar."

"I think she's looking at me. Fuck, John. What am I going to do?"

"Got ten bucks on you?"

"Yeah, but - I mean, come on, man. You gotta help me out here."

"Keep the change. Breathe, Chas. Look straight ahead, that's the ticket. No eye-contact."

"I think I looked into her eyes, before. Am I in trouble, John? I'm in trouble, aren't I? Am I going to die? I don't want to die, John. You can handle her, right, John? Send her straight back to hell. Fuck, I think this door's been cursed or something."

"Pull, Chas. It says 'pull', not 'push'."

 

It's not always easy, living his life as John's 'very appreciated apprentice'. John can be a grouch, and he almost always seems to forget to tell Chas the important stuff, like when he wants Chas to move the car, not because it's going to rain or something, but because John's going to be throwing a really big-ass mirror through the window, and it'd be kind of a pity if the car got damaged.

Granted, it's not much of a car, but it's okay. It, you know, _works_. John never drives it, so he probably doesn't know, only Chas knows that cars like these? They're _rare_. They ain't making them like this anymore - although even if they were, it's not as if he and John could afford to buy one.

Being a badass exorcist doesn't exactly pay a whole lot.

Chas isn't in it for the money, of course. Still, it'd have been nice to get a bit more of it, you know? He and John are practically risking their lives here, after all.

 

"When you took me on as an apprentice, was it because I'm a virgin, John? Do you, like, need my blood or something for a magical ritual?"

"Yes, Chas. I need you in case someone wants me to exorcise a fucking unicorn."

 

So John is a grouch a lot of the time, and he's always making Chas pay for his coffee, and he never tells Chas _why_ he wants Chas to do stuff like move the car, and he smokes too much and also he totally hogs the blankets. Seriously. It's the same damn thing every damn morning.

One of these days, Chas is going to have to put his foot down about that.

(Until then, he figures John's just going to have to make it up to him the night after the morning after.)


End file.
